Endings Matter – Remembering Helen – A Good Goodbye

As a funeral celebrant I have the responsibility, privilege and joy of hearing someone’s life story, witnessing its impact on family, friends and wider community and then translating that into a time limited service (commemoration or celebration) of their life that holds space for all the emotions, feelings and memories in the room.  The aim is to provide a little bit of comfort through bearing witness to the pain.  It’s also about providing a stepping stone from which family and friends can take their first step in walking the rocky, foggy path they have to travel with their grief.

Remembering Helen

When I was asked to help Helen’s family create a second service for Helen, I felt incredibly privileged.  Helen had already been given a full military funeral as befits her service to the country and her professional standing.  However, her family and friends wanted her final resting place to be Mid Wales and her service to not only recognise her life contribution to her country, but also her flamboyant personality, her silliness, her quirkiness and what she meant most to her close friends and family.

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.”

― Shannon Alder

Sadly Helen died prematurely, following a battle with cancer that stole her from those who loved her at the far too young age of 57.

As a Major in the British military, a soldier, a police woman, an Ambassador, and spokesperson for the UN for Gender and Child Protection; she was required to dress in uniform and act with professionalism and decorum.  As a mum, aunt, partner, friend, she could let her hair down, dress in all the colours.  Her preferred none work uniform being outrageous leggings (preferably printed with Highland cows), colourful socks and bobble hats, and slob about as much as her heart desired.  As a professional she had to be ordered and tidy.  Outside of work she was anything but – as part of her ‘ceremony’ we took a bag of her socks and clothes and scattered them across the ground to make everyone who lived or stayed with her, feel at home! She loved her home chaos.

“Brilliant & Oddly Unique”

Those three words seemed to run through the countless messages the family received.  At her request, we all wore loud trousers or leggings and woolly hats or tea cosies (never trust a man who’s left alone with a tea cosy and doesn’t try it on as a hat!).  Everyone gathered around the bier on which Helen rested complete with flag, teddies and flowers before we headed up to her chosen spot, right by the top field where her friends horse watched over proceedings (the horse not overly impressed by the bagpipes!).

Hay Meadow is stunning, nestled in the valley surrounded by the Radnorshire Hills.  Where bestie,  Louise, complete with a large laundry bag of props began to weave stories from their many adventures together.  They hold an unbreakable bond of friendship and sisterhood, and shared an extensive and eclectic music taste, particularly loving a band called Skerryvore (A Scottish, Celtic Rock Band – find out more).   They loved and regularly frequented gigs and were equally passionate about horses, riding, highland cows,  and so much more …

Relaxed, informal, inclusive 

Then the space was opened up to anyone else who wanted to speak.  That is one of the benefits of a Natural Burial Ground – there is no time limit, we could share jokes, stories, connections for as long as we needed, and do it in a relaxed, open space with  as much informality and creativity as we could muster.  The Hay Meadow Team were, as ever, magnificent, and had received the memo re the woolly hats!

I could wax lyrical about Helen for pages, but its not my place, but its good to now hold some of her fantastic adventures.  One other thing I will share; she owned a inordinate number of mugs!  So to help clear out the cupboards and provide a keepsake for everyone, hot chocolate was served in her own mugs and the congregation were invited to take the mug home with them (honestly this was not to save on washing up!).  Hubby John is now the proud owner of a Pink Floyd mug which was much sort after on the day, and serves as a fond reminder of the connections we made that weekend.

Connections

Some of Helen’s  family chose to stay with us at our guesthouse the night before the service.  It was lovely to spend the evening sharing a bottle of wine and getting to know them.  Another of Helen’s many gifts, new connections and friendships.

Helen’s intentions, having taken early retirement, were to move to be near Louise, and that is now where she is laid to rest, at the top of the field, at Hay Meadow Burial Ground.  Her service there was witnessed by a member of the military and she was accompanied to the graveside by a piper, but everything else was far from orderly and much more, well… Helen!

“she came home often like a hurricane and threw clothes and belongings everywhere,

I wouldn’t have changed her for the world.”