Mental Health & Wellbeing

Mental health and wellbeing crisis alert…

Image result for stress anxiety pms

I’m struggling.

I feel unwell but I don’t think I’m sick.   I thought I was sick.  I feel sure I had a hormone related migraine.  Do you get them.?  When I get them, which is not every month but when I do they always fall just before a period.   (A joyous additional PMT symptom that provides more proof that should I believe in a god I would be sure it would be male! ) Sometimes they’re full on agonising headache; where a dark room isn’t dark enough; where the pressure is so great I vomit.  Sometimes they just mess with my mental dexterity;  I can’t string a sentence together, I can’t process the words i see into words i read and understand;  I can’t balance, my spacial awareness is fucked.  If you get them you will recognise the joys.

I’m hot. Or I’m cold. I wake up in a pool of sweat. My entire body hurts. When I sleep my legs hurt and wake me up. My arms go numb.  (Yes I’ve tried turning the mattress and yes I’ve got myself a new pillow…)

I’m irritable and irrational. Small things are overwhelming.

I’m finding it difficult, nigh on impossible, to concentrate. I can’t process information. My coordination is shot. I keep forgetting things. Instantly. Like the dinner I was in the middle of cooking. Or the soldering iron I switched on to heat up. Or who is on the end of the ringing phone of the call I’m making.

This week I’ve been awake when I should be asleep. Asleep when I should be awake.

I’ve wanted to scream at so many people. I’ve burnt things. I’ve dropped things.

Making a meal has been a taxing task. I love cooking. I manage cafes, I run a B&B, I entertain friends. I’ve mis-timed, undercooked, overcooked, left out basic ingredients (the cheese from the cheese sauce for example)..

I’m tearful. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m stressed.

Did I mention I want to scream at people? Yep. grrrr

I am totally not me. I’m this other.

Some of it is PMT. But at my age, some of it is (peri) menopausal. Some of it is possibly because for some reason I’ve stopped taking my happy pills. Come on. So many of us suffer from stress and anxiety. Modern society has created a lifestyle and human condition that means a disproportionately large number of us in the ‘developed’ world have illnesses relating to seratonin imbalance. I’ve been taking a very low level dose for years and years. I always tell my doctor I don’t want to find out what I’d be like without it and so on it I remain. But I think, and I don’t know why, I’ve stopped remembering to take it. Or have chosen to punish myself by denying myself it. I don’t know or understand. All I know is that this week I am losing a grasp on me and not liking the person infiltrating the missing space.

It’s like every pebble is a boulder; every crack is a crater; and every small task is a monumental effort.

My agitation levels are off the scale

Well, here it is - ta-da - the revised menopause game!  I've made lots of additions and changes that I hope you all like; I've managed to find enough pictures to fill in all the empty board spaces ...

Thank goodness that this week Debbie from My Random Musings posted the interview I did with her on her bloggers corner…. THAT PERSON IS ME… THIS PERSON IS AN UNWELCOME IMPOSTER.

Go and read about the real me. I’ll find her again myself in the next few days I’m sure. But until I do my rose-tinted reality is sadly hidden under a thick rough grey blanket….

my mind is usually rainbows and butterflies….     “Empereal” – acrylic on wood by me
My Random Musings
Shank You Very Much

(6) Comments

  1. Katy says:

    Bernie, this thing you describe, that was me. We should talk about this. xx Katy. x

    1. Berni Benton says:

      i would love to talk. xxx

  2. I hope you get to feeling like your regular self soon Berni! I loved your interview on Debbie’s site. #DreamTeam

  3. I feel your pain for you and a little for me too. Empathise with your stage in life and it is such a weird mix waiting for that last period and hoping in some ways you were younger and could have a second go at it all. Main thing is that being overwhelmed by stuff I would have taken in my stride not that long ago. Hoping you feel better soon and you always help others when you post so honestly #AnythingGoes

  4. Good morning gorgeous,

    I’m sorry to read that you’re having a hard time – seems like this is a monthly occurrence that is getting worse in per-menopause. I wish I could help,

    All I can say, having now had 12 months period free, it WILL pass. It WILL pass. I promise. Bloody awful going through it and I’m always here to listen and hug if that helps.

    Sending love and hope you have a wonderful time with Sue today. Sorry I cannot make it work this time – a bit more notice and I’m in for a small group.

    Love Dxxx


  5. thesingleswan says:

    I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes life just gets a bit too much and the imposter crawls into our lives and into our personalities. I hate it.

    I do, however, absolutely love “Empereal” it is a beautiful painting. Pen x #AnythingGoes

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