I’m going to say somethings out loud that I think may resonate with al lot of you.
Being authentic and facing reality present us with a constant tug of war. A battle of authenticity and reality.
You’re probably thinking now, what the hell does that mean. And I’d reply, fair comment!
Let me explain:
Here I am, Berni B
I advocate for authenticity
I strive to be my true authentic warts and all self
I show up on live videos in all my messy, unpolished, glory
I post images of myself
I exude confidence and knowledge and energy and enthusiasm
Perception
In exchange I’m perceived as knowledgeable, confident, comfortable in my own skin, trustworthy.
And I am. I am trustworthy. I am enthusiastic. I am empathetic, caring, compassionate.
I also am, at times, riddled with self doubt, completely self conscious, totally out of my depth.
I do believe that we should all present ourselves in all our forms, made up and ready, impromptu, unkempt, messy, professional. I hope that by doing it, people will recognise that we are all more than what we present to the outside world. Yet still there are hidden truths.
We are all human
I do believe that by showing the imperfections I help others (and myself) touch base back to the reality of every single persons lives… even the supermodels and world leaders and superstars we all admire. And that truth is that we all have imperfections. We all experience moments or long periods of being not ready. together, or confident. We all have self doubts, insecurities and bad days.
And most important of all: We all wing it
From time to time and often , more often than not, despite who we are, we are putting on a brave face in the reality of self doubt, self loathing and low esteem. We’re faking it.
As a result, talking for myself, I feel guilt and shame. People think I’m the Berni B I describe above yet I’m aware I’m also the Berni B who hates her wonky teeth and double chin. I’m aware that my stamina is short lived. That if I’m being the empathetic, supportive, advocating, supportive me for too long, i need to hide in my garden. Be silent, sleep more, to recharge.
I know that I often feel fat, ugly, inadequate. I know that by focusing on that it makes me feel vain or hypocritical. Which in turn can spiral into more self doubt.
But I truly believe , that to a lesser or greater degree every single one of us is doing the same. We’re winging it.
Does that mean we’re not being authentic?
NO! That’s the short answer.
I’ve battled with this. But I know I’m not alone. I have good friends who I look at and think of as having it all together. and I know they feel it too.
Sometimes (often) we present what we’re aiming to be… in the hope that we will become it.
Or living our reality in spite of our self doubt and imposter.
In the knowledge that the self deprecation and self doubt are merely us trying to hold ourselves back and protect us… from our biggest fears.
My biggest fear is people finding out that I’m winging it. Yet I truly believe most of us are. If we put ourselves out there, there will always be the possibility of being caught out. Nobody knows everything. Nobody has every answer. Nobody is perfect.
Somebody very wise once said to me that you are the expert if you are the person with the most knowledge on that subject in that room.
Not in the entire town, country, world ,universe!
Imagine how awful that would be if we met someone who actually was. Or we were that person. How unconnectable and unapproachable would that person be. So much MORE than anyone else. Not accessible at all. Our flaws and self doubt and weak spots are our common ground.
Our vulnerability, is what makes us perfect. Perfectly imperfect. Accessible, real, relatable.
It’s what makes us empathetic and caring.
Our remote access virtual world
In the past, our lives were largely spent face to face. In recent years we have been more involved in meeting via video link, as a result we are more frequently faced with meeting ourselves. There we are, a little video image of ourselves looking back of us in every conversation we have. It’s distracting,. It’s narcissistic (but not in a good way!!! hahaha). We have become obsessed with ourselves, but in a self conscious way.
In meetings I find myself always slightly distracted by myself. My wonky head, my double chins, my messy hair. I’m constantly fiddling and adjusting myself.
In the past I’d be happily networking in a room, drinking tea, dunking a biscuit, discussing whatever it is we’re discussing, exchanging details. Not once, checking in on my own appearance, or being distracted by the sound of my own voice because of some sound lag or echo.
Nowadays I’m often faced with a version of myself that I’m trying to process and recognise or improve when really it’s none of my business. Not only am I not what the meeting is about, but also my appearance has no bearing on my ability to do my job.
Not only that, not once in my life has anyone ever marked me down because of my shape, size, hair colour, clothing choices or voice. I’ve never been told “that would have been perfect if only your teeth weren’t a bit yellow and wonky”, or ” we were distracted/ put off by your excessive weight”! Never.
Authenticity and Reality : the tug of war
So here’s what I’m trying to say…
We can live alongside our imposter and self deprecation and still be authentic by choosing to ignore it. Or occasionally accepting we will be floored by it.
We can still be authentic yet carry our hang-ups and ‘alternative’ truths alongside us.
We can still show up as the expert in the room and still feel like a fraud within ourselves.
Reality and authenticity go hand in hand and are constantly playing a game of tug of war. But striving to be our authentic selves whilst battling our own daemons, even if we’re encouraging others to love themselves exactly how they are, does not mean we are being disingenuous, it means we’re trying to learn our own lessons too.
And remember it is our own imperfection that makes us relatable, approachable and, yes, AUTHENTIC.
Flashbacks
I’ve written a lot in the past about my self doubt, self loathing, imposter and mental health , you can read some of that by searching here
I even spoke to the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation about it. and embarked on a lockdown calendar to combat it alongside another 23 incredible people during lockdown
